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To whom it may concern:

Dear unknown Dog Owner:

Just a note to express my astonishment over your dog’s regularity. Really, it’s extraordinary — you must let us know of your presence someday so that we can come out and meet him. And speaking of meeting, do you continue to remain anonymous or will we ever meet? (What time do you come around anyway?) I think I must have seen you from a distance once when your dog was looking for a place to dump (I came along and you dragged him away — so I guess your rule is “no dumping if anybody in the neighborhood is a witness”).

It would be nice to meet you someday. Then I could introduce you to my children who have ruined their shoes and clothes thanks to your dog. I could also tell you some of the stories about how difficult and expensive it sometimes is to clean up behind you. I am always surprised that you don’t feel compelled to leave a note of sympathy behind (you know, something like, “Sorry, my dog pooped on your yard again — and he did it in a place you’ll never notice until you step in it, but hey, that’s what unsuspecting neighbors are for, right? I mean, you can’t really expect me to let him do THAT in my yard can you? Thanks for understanding, etc.”)

May I assume that since you allow your dog to do his business in our yard, you won’t mind if I leave a bag or two of our garbage in yours? (I promise it will neither smell as bad nor will it ruin your shoes, but that’s the closest I can come to reciprocating since I don’t have a dog myself). Maybe I can let it sit in the sun for a while before I drop it off just so you can experience at least something close to what we enjoy after one of your visits. Really. It’s no trouble, give us a call, we’ll try to work something out.

Sincerely,

your friendly neighbor who provides a dumping ground for your dog

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