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Archive for January 4th, 2010

Harold Camping has done it again. And this time, he says, you’d better believe it. The rapture is coming and Harold knows when. And he’s telling. According to his most recent (and far more accurate) calculations, the rapture is going to happen on May 21, 2011.

That’s right. A little over a year and five months from rat now! And Harold ain’t kiddin. He feels sorry for you if you don’t believe him. Never mind that he was wrong over 15 years ago when he told his followers to gather outside and wait for Jesus. That was a mistake, a minor miscalculation. But this time? This time, he’s right. And he’s certain he’s right. Here’s how he did it:

He noticed that particular numbers appeared in the Bible at the same time particular themes are discussed.

The number 5, . . . equals “atonement.” Ten is “completeness.” Seventeen means “heaven.” . . .

“Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D. Now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that’s 1,978 years.”

[He] then multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days – the number of days in each solar year, not to be confused with a calendar year.

Next, [he] noted that April 1 to May 21 encompasses 51 days. Add 51 to the sum of previous multiplication total, and it equals 722,500.

[He] realized that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500.

Or put into words: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared.

“Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story. It’s the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you’re completely saved.

“I tell ya, I just about fell off my chair when I realized that,”

yeah, me too.

ok. well, here’s my deal for all of Harold’s followers. If you believe Harold, I think you should give all your possessions away by sundown May 20, 2011. Think of it as a sign of your confidence in his genius and spiritual insight. No fair selling anything . . . I said give it away (you can’t take it with you anyway, right?). I volunteer to be a clearing house for your homes and property. Just send me the titles and deeds (with the necessary legal work showing that everything is in my name). And I promise that I’ll distribute your property to those whom I determine can make best use of it in your absence. [And remember, if you do it by December 31 of this year, you can take it off your very last tax return! That’d be cool, wouldn’t it? Yes it would!]

And if Jesus doesn’t come, well, . . . that’s a tough break — but maybe I can persuade everyone to give you an opportunity to buy your stuff back. Otherwise, I’m sure Harold has a plan. Just trust him, he’ll figure out something. Maybe you can stay at his house.

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